You’re Holding a Chicken

You're Holding a ChickenYou’re Holding a Chicken

Look, we all love the taste of chicken, but that’s not what this is about. I’m actually lovingly calling this chicken theory. Well, what’s chicken theory? I made it up, so it hasn’t existed before, unless there is some other official theory about chickens, perhaps about the chicken and the egg. This theory isn’t actually about chickens, the chickens are just metaphors, object lessons.

This theory is about problems that are only problems because society says they’re problems. We’re not talking about littering, global warming, corrupt politics, people without enough food, abuse of government systems, or disease epidemics, which are all very real problems, we’re talking about problems people have for no other apparent reason than society has deemed it a problem. Society has said, “I don’t like the way your nose looks,” so from that point forward society has it out for you and your nose, when there is nothing wrong with your nose at all. It’s actually a non-issue.

Imagine you’re just standing there one day and Society comes up to you and hands you a chicken. What are you supposed to do with this chicken? So you’re standing there holding this chicken, not sure about what to do next, when Society looks at you and starts making fun of you because you’re holding a chicken. Maybe you ask why you’re being made fun of for holding a chicken, and Society replies, “Just because.” Maybe you ask why again, and you get, “Because I said so.”

So you have this chicken and more of Society starts making fun of you for it. Some of them ignore you because you have the chicken. Some of them are downright mean to you because you have the chicken. Maybe you start losing out on opportunities because you have the chicken. Maybe you didn’t get a job, because you were holding a chicken. In real life it would honestly be a bit strange if you showed up to a job interview with a chicken, but we’re talking metaphors, not real life.

People start overlooking you, and marginalizing you, and saying mean things about you on the internet because you have this chicken.

Finally, you’ve had it with this damn chicken and you decide that you’re going to put it down. Well, the thing is–Society Superglued this chicken to your hand. You can’t put it down. You can’t get rid of this chicken.

You realize that you’re stuck with this chicken because Society Superglued it to your hand, so you try to make the best of it. You try to live your best life, despite the fact that you have a squawking chicken Superglued to your hand. As you can imagine, it’s not easy. Not only does Society make fun of you, belittle you, and discriminate against you because you’re holding a chicken, it’s also difficult to go throughout every day life with a chicken glued to your hand.

Putting on clothes is not easy. You have to fit an entire chicken through your jacket sleeve, which is no easy feat. It’s hard to open doors because you have a chicken glued to your hand. It’s difficult to drive. The chicken is noisy. You have to feed it. Sometimes it’s difficult to fit places because you always have to keep in mind that you have a flailing chicken glued to your hand.

A reasonable person would assume that since Society gave you this chicken that it should make accommodations for you in order for you to live a normal life. That’s not the case. In fact, Society has seemingly gone out of its way to make life more difficult for you because you have the chicken. There are places you’re not allowed to go because you have the chicken. There are things you’re not allowed to do because you have the chicken. There are jobs you cannot get because you have the chicken. Don’t even get started with the airlines because they don’t like chickens at all. Everyday, you go out and try to be normal, but people talk about you and your chicken loudly. It’s getting pretty depressing. You feel defeated.

No matter who you ask, you always get the same answer about the chicken, “Just because.”

Why did you glue this chicken to my hand?

Just because.

You know life would be so much better if you didn’t have to deal with the stupid chicken. You would think you could just put it down, but Society has made that impossible. No one will take the chicken away from you. Once you have the chicken, you have the chicken. Maybe you try to disguise the chicken with on point makeup tutorials from YouTube. Maybe you knit sweaters for it. Maybe you make a cover to throw over your chicken hand, but everyone still knows there’s a chicken under there.

Are you actually supposed to live your entire life with this chicken on your hand, which causes a multitude of problems in your life, knowing that if the chicken was just unstuck from your hand with some solvent that you could live a normal life?

Well, Society expects you to. You better not even think about taking that chicken off your hand. The minute it’s off, Society will come back with another chicken to take its place, maybe two chickens.

The entirety of Society isn’t awful. There are actually some people who don’t mind your chicken. Maybe they have chickens of their own to deal with, or maybe they’re just that accepting. People who have chickens on their hands will definitely bond more readily than people without chickens on their hands, but there is always the off-chance that for a person with a chicken on their hand to feel the least bit better about themselves, they’ll put you down for having a chicken on your hand. Maybe it’s the same type of chicken, or maybe it’s a different type of chicken, either way, they’re all still chickens.

Alright, let’s get down to it, what do the chickens symbolize? The chickens are problems you have in your life that aren’t real problems, or shouldn’t be, rather, that are huge problems in your life because Society said they were problems.

What kind of problems? Maybe you’re overweight. Maybe you’re a child of a lesbian couple. Maybe you’re missing a leg. Maybe you have really bad adult acne. Maybe you have a beard and you’re a woman. Maybe you’re a Quaker. Maybe you’re from the South. Maybe you’re not white. Maybe you’re not a man. There are so many things the maybe could be.

If you really get down to it–should any of these things matter? Should any single one of these things, or a combination of these things, matter as far as your worth and value to Society? Does being a bearded woman make you any less good at what you do at work? Does being from the South mean your life is worth less? Does being a Quaker mean that you shouldn’t get to participate in societal activities? Do any of these things mean you should be shunned by society? Do any of these things mean that you should be made fun of? Do any of these things mean that you should have less rights?

No. No, and more no.

These things are all superficial to your worth as a person and your worth to Society, but yet, Society makes a huge deal out of these things. Society actually gets downright angry about some of these things. If you’re the overweight, Quaker child of a lesbian couple, from the South, you better just turn your tail around and sign out of Society, because it’s going to be Hell. Plus that’s at least four chickens, so you’re going to need plenty of chicken feed and you’ve got to get to the feed store before it closes.

It’s almost laughable that Society expends so much energy in trying to discriminate against people, for whatever reason. Good Lord, if that energy had been concentrated elsewhere, we would have already solved world peace, world hunger, and time travel. Heck, if Society suddenly decided that these things weren’t actually problems and detrimental qualities, that would actually solve a huge amount of strife in the world.

Just think about it. Are some of the problems you have in your life chicken problems?

If Society suddenly thought that your problem wasn’t a problem, how much easier would your life get?

Thinking of your problem, is there any actual reason that it’s an actual problem or do people just say, “Just because,” with poorly cited sources and arguments?





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