Throughout my life, I’ve had many recurring themes in my nightly dreams. There have been places I’ve been to in my dreams multiple times. There have been situations I’ve dreamed about multiple times. I’ve dreamed about my teeth or my hair falling out one too many times while sleeping, and quite frankly, I wish my brain would give it a rest, because those dreams are pretty terrifying to me.
Those types of dreams pop up every so often, but something I don’t dream about anymore is my dad. I used to dream about him every so often. I used to dream that he was alive, somehow. In those dreams I was always looking for him or there was some mystery involved. It was never a day-to-day normal type of situation, because I never had a day-to-day normal type of situation with my father.
Dreams are often based on our realities, and sure, maybe you’re flying in that dream, but so many other things are exactly like something you would do in real life or exactly like something you would say in real life.
My father died when I was young. He died in 1995. I wasn’t even ten yet. I don’t remember being with him, my mom left him, had to leave him, when I was only around two-years old. It wasn’t that my mother just wanted to up and leave her marriage to my father; it was that the situation was too bad to stay in for her, and for me. So anyone who can say my mom just wanted to be out of a marriage or didn’t try hard enough can go shove it.
I loved my father, but he had problems. I understood that. He had problems that made having a family life downright impossible. Even as a kid, I knew it was silly to fantasize about both my parents being together. It was silly because it would never happen. I was wise enough to know there were problems that couldn’t be fixed.
When my father died from cancer, I still occasionally had dreams that he was alive somehow. I didn’t get to go to his funeral. I only remember seeing him once before he died. I’ve never seen his grave. I’ve never seen the little bit of info that would say his name and the fact that he was born in 1960 and died in 1995.
I guess because I never really had a father, I would dream that he was alive. I wanted to have someone to treat like a father. Really, the closest thing to my father is my grandfather. I do have a step-father, but we have never really been close. I don’t really know what it’s like to have a dad.
At some point, I just quit having dreams about my father. I don’t know when that was. Was it when I was a teenager? Was it when I got married? Was it sometime after I got married? I don’t know.
I guess I quit needing the idea of a dad. I guess maybe I grew up enough not to want it as I had.