There are large portions of my life that I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to think about them at all. There are times I just want to forget and write off as a time of nothingness in my life. How am I supposed to account for all this time of nothing? Maybe I was just living day-to-day and nothing ever happened, but something did happen. The reason I don’t want to remember those times is that they were not good.
I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. It was rough for me. I had an undiagnosed endocrine disorder. I grew up without a father and he died when I was quite young. I didn’t get along with my mom as well as I would have liked. My home life was not a happy one. There was a lot of fighting and a lot of arguments. I was teased in school. I was depressed. I felt like I was worthless. I don’t want to remember that. I don’t even want to acknowledge that it existed.
It did exist, unfortunately. I had good times though, growing up. I occasionally had fun with my brothers, sometimes at their expense. I learned a lot of things. I excelled in school. I discovered talents in myself. I became more confident. I had a family that loved me, despite their constant arguing.
As a grown up, there are also things I don’t want to acknowledge happened because of the bad times. I had a marriage that turned sour and there were bad times. I’ve had friendships with other people that turned sour. Sometimes I want to forget that these people were ever in my life, but why? I had good times with these people and I learned something from them.
My good times were still good, no matter who they were with. I still had fun with my ex at times and I still had good times with friends who are no longer my friends. Those moments aren’t really any less special because things turned sour between me and the person having them.
I still think about some of these things and smile or laugh. It’s a bit bittersweet because sometimes I wish one person or the other was still with me in whatever capacity that they were, but the logical me, looks at the situation and knows that our being apart, for whatever reason, is best for all involved.
The fact that I may have fallen out with somebody, doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person, well, not all bad. Sometimes people change and that person that he or she used to be isn’t the person they were anymore, or maybe you didn’t truly know them in the first place and they were never that person you thought they were. I think there are a lot of people in my life, who I don’t talk to these days, are still good people. I am going to miss the times I had with them. It makes me happy and a bit sad to think about something fun I did with them.
If someone gave me some magical potion and said, “You can erase one person from your memory,” I don’t know that I would do it. Sure, I would get rid of those bad and hurtful memories, but what about the good stuff? What about those happy memories? What about the times I laughed? What about the times I felt as if this person truly cared for me or was on my side? What about the compliments? Hey, compliments are still compliments, no matter who they’re from, even if it’s a back-handed compliment, take it like it’s chocolate and it’s your birthday.
I have actively sought to forget certain people, yes, multiple people, in my life, but maybe I should not. Maybe I should just remember them not for all the bad times, but for the good times I had with them and for the lessons I learned by being with them. Our paths may never cross again, but I’ll always have those good times to remember.