The Undeadening-Sort Of

The Undeadening-Sort OfThe Undeadening-Sort Of

This past week I’ve been kind of dead. I went to work; I came home; I went to sleep. Bad stuff happened to me last week. I had all these plans for today, because I felt somewhat better yesterday, but many of my plans did not come to fruition. I had planned on getting a workout today and visiting with a couple of friends but home showings and life got in my way. I actually woke up this morning and said, “No,” to the workout.

I do feel better though. My day at work was not awesome. I got some not great news, but it’s not the end of the world.

On Facebook today, one of my “memories” came up. It was a picture I took of my school books when I finished my second degree. The picture above is every text-book I used when I was getting my second degree. A couple of them were even reviewed on this site because I finished my second degree the first year of this site.

Those books got me a job.

I don’t have anything in my life right now. I don’t have a place to call my own; my house is for sale and I have to leave. I don’t have any furniture. I don’t have a partner. I don’t have my family near me. I don’t make a lot of money. I’m busting my butt to try to pay for legal fees and daily living expenses. I will leave the marriage I’m still in with nothing.

I will pretty much have my clothes, my books, and my artwork. I have nothing of worth to take with me. That’s it.

I’m still making money though. I have a job because of those books up there. I busted my butt to get a second degree because someone made a decision that affected us in the negative and I knew that if I didn’t find a way to make money, we would be homeless and living under a bridge. Well, I was being a bit dramatic. Someone would have taken us in, but we never could have afforded anything on our own.

I got a second degree because I knew I needed a better way to make money. I knew that I needed to help support my family. I wanted to support this family that I was going to have. After all, when you’re in a serious relationship and one cannot do all the lifting, you help. So I did.

I did get a job and at least I have that. I can support myself currently, although not lavishly in the least. I didn’t have to immediately pack up my bags and go live with my family because I couldn’t afford to live anywhere. I can still take myself to doctor’s appointments and go shopping every once in a while, probably still too often though. I can buy myself food.

I could not have foreseen that five years from finishing with these books that I would seriously need to be able to support myself. Where would I be if I didn’t have those books? I’d probably be living with my family; they wouldn’t let me go homeless and live under a bridge, but it would suck. It’s an awful feeling not being able to live out on your own, by necessity. If it’s your choice, that’s cool. Some people like living with their families.

This kind of made my day better, even though I got some not awesome news at work.

I had to cancel my visiting because of two back-to-back showings at my house. I went shopping, like I need to go shopping.

First I went to Cato, where I bought nothing. Just not feeling it you guys–too much pink and fru-fru in there right now.

Then I decided to go to Old Navy since I needed a new black undershirt anyway. I found one and three other things. I had SuperCash, go me, and I got four things for not very much money. When you can get four items of clothing for not very much money and they’re not just four pairs of underwear, you’re doing good. Heck, if you can get four pairs of nice underwear for what I paid for four regular clothing items, you’re doing great.

I went to Sam’s Club, because you know, a single woman who doesn’t eat very much food needs to shop at a Big Box store for her food. I do shop there actually. I buy salad and olives and avocados there. I bought avocados, six of them. Yes, I need that many avocados and I will eat them. They’re just lovely on salads. Don’t ask me if I really eat so many avocados that I need an avocado keeper. I need it. I do. I bought chewing gum, because I can’t wake up in the morning without chewing a piece of peppermint gum and drinking a diet coke. I bought olives. I bought some weird pumpkin seeds that are sweet and spicy, because for some reason I thought it would be a good idea. They’re sweet on the front and spicy on the back.

It still wasn’t time for me to go home when I finished with Sam’s. So I went to Target. The “A” was flickering in and out. Just the A, nothing else. It was like one of those flickering neon motel signs you always seen in the movies. A flickering motel sign always bodes something. That flickering A must have boded that my dinner was going to be snacks from Target.

Then, I went home. I finally made it home and I’m not dead. All in all, I feel a little more alive this week than I did last week. I’m working on it. The day wasn’t awesome, but I was reminded that I do have a way to provide for myself. I put in a lot of work and effort five years ago to be able to do the job I do today. I would be up the creek without those books up there.

I know your college textbooks have probably been traded in, or they’re gathering dust on a shelf somewhere, but those books helped you become who you are today and they’re probably helping you put a roof over your head and food in your belly.

My picture of my college books was a triumph then and it’s still a triumph now. It’s a reminder that I be grateful for what those books have brought me.

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