My Mom is Trying to Hook Me Up

My Mom is Trying to Hook Me UpMy Mom is Trying to Hook Me Up

When I first separated from my ex one of the first things my mom did was start talking about the man who does her taxes.

She went on and on about how he was good-looking. He was tall. He didn’t have a wedding ring. He made good money. He wasn’t white, he was some sort of islander or something. (She didn’t know.)

My mom just went on and on about the tax man.

I told her that if he was so awesome, she should ask him out. She told me that she couldn’t because she was married. Well, out of the two of us, it sounds like you like him more. I’ve never even met the tax man.

She’s wavered back and forth about whether I should be dating or not because I’m not technically divorced, even though I’m well on my way there and it’s going to happen inevitably.

She has told me that I cannot date a man who is forty, because that’s too old.

She has also told me that she does not think I should be dating anybody because I’m not divorced yet.

Well, lo and behold, she calls me, while I’m snowed-in, and starts going on and on about how I should find a guy who knows how to fix houses and I should marry him as soon as my divorce is final.

So now, she expects me to go out and date contractors. What do I just go out and hang around Lowe’s?

Excuse me Mr? I see you’re not wearing a wedding ring. Do you know how to fix houses? Do you want to come over and fix my house? *wink*

Then…

then she goes on about how I should get on farmersonly.com and find a man who likes to farm. He should “know his farm equipment,” and, “take off his shirt and not care.” I should also tell him that, “I have some land that needs farmed.”

Those quotes are things she actually said. I am convinced that none of them were meant innocently.

I have some land that needs farmed, if you know what I mean.

She goes on to say that it doesn’t matter if he’s ugly.

So first, she wants me to get with the tax man and now she wants me to go on farmersonly.com and find myself a farmer, who knows his farm equipment.

Maybe my mom is trying to live vicariously through me. She secretly desires a farmer hunk who knows how to do the taxes and fix houses. He’s got to be able to drive a tractor as well. What in the heck is my mom going to do with a tractor? She only has an acre and a half of land. It’s not necessary to have a tractor.

Let’s just wait and see what she says next. Right now, I’m just here, living with Cocoa the cat.

 

 

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